You’ve just had an argument, voices were raised and doors may have been slammed. Now what do you do?
Well the very first thing is to look at yourself and see where you were a part of it. You can ask psychologists, long time married couples, divorced couples, or life coaches. They will all tell you to look at “your” part in the argument, both before the argument and during the argument.
Step one is not covered in this brief article but you can easily find how to look at your part of an argument by performing a quick web search with simple keywords such as argument, making up, and accountability.
1. See above.
2. Call yourself names, and we don’t mean nice names.
Raise your voice and call yourself crazy, mean, obnoxious, overbearing, hurtful, and so-forth. This will give your partner an opportunity to see that you are being accountable for your part of the argument and potentially start to smile. If your partner jumps in with name calling just repeat, you’re right I am a “jerk,” your right I am “obnoxious,” your right….
3. Blame yourself
Say “I started it,” “I came home in a bad mood.” “I’m at fault” and other words you can blame yourself with. Your partner loves this and it puts you in the mental mood for later.
4. Point out your deficiency.
Do you feel less than handsome or beautiful? Do you lack the intelligence of your partner? Because you love your partner you are willing to look at your deficiencies which will start them at looking at their deficiencies.
5. Tell them they’re right and you’re wrong.
You must keep a large smile on your face during this time because you will next tell them they are 100% right and you are 100% wrong. By this time your partner is seeing that you are recognizing your part in the argument and seeing the heart felt effort you are putting forward to make up. The other important thing to remember is to use a subtle smile during this entire process and the healing power of humor.
6. Use terms of absolutes.
Use the absolute words “never,” and “always.” Say things such as “I always slack off on helping you around the house.” “I never help with the kids.” “I always make a mess for you to clean up.” “I never take accountability in our arguments.” The use of these terms about you will bring a smile to your partners face.
7. Tell your partner you apologize.
Say things like “I apologize I created this and want to apologize because of the way I acted.” Now if this is really outside of your normal character then it goes a long way. The more you say this aloud the more your partner will break down their walls (argument walls).
8. Show happiness.
You do this by saying “I’m happy,” “I’m glad to be married to you,” “I am excited.” This gets their attention and the more dramatic you get with these quotes the more impact you’ll have on your partner.
9. Write notes about yourself from the previous 8 steps and leave them where your partner will easily find them.
Let’s take the absolutes as an example. You can write a simple note that says “I never help with the kids” and leave this note in your partner’s car, backpack/purse, lunch sack, and so forth. If you’re creative cut out the paper into a non rectangular shape, e.g. heart, circle, diamond, and so on.
10. Give a fun and simple gift with a special note attached.
Let’s use a “100 Grand ®” candy bar as an example. Take the bar and tape a note to it which could say “You’re a hundred grand, and I’m only a dollar.” You could use an apple with the following note “An apple a day keeps the jerk (me) away,” or another is to give roses with a note like the following; “roses are red arguments are blue, you married a jerk who never says thank you.”
You’ll be amazed at how you can take anything and package it for a fun and effective make-up tool. By “breaking the ice” after the hard words of an argument and after following these steps you will reduce the amount of time it takes to talk through the hurtful words from the argument.
One of the most important parts of this ten step process is to smile during the process. Don’t smirk or glare in anger at your partner. Smile, remember you are doing this to break the ice and get to the point where a calm conversation can occur between you and your partner.