What to do when you have that sinking feeling that yours is not the only pillow your man has been fluffing? When you listen to that Whitney Houston “It’s Not Right, But It’s OK” song and suddenly find yourself relating to it? Should you just ignore it? Or go Jessica Fletcher on his ass and start snooping around, looking for concrete clues and confirmation that his recent interest in personal hygiene and the number of times he “accidentally” forgets to turn his cell phone on are actually indicators that he’s cheating on you?
“The thought of being betrayed is one of the most heart-wrenching feelings in the world and certainly not [an issue] to avoid,” says Tristan Coopersmith of Menu Dating Online. “Adults seeking healthy, enduring partnerships deal with valleys like this one head on. If not, buried demons will be haunting like a bad horror flick and ultimately manifest themselves in other ways in the relationship,” she says. “Really think before you speak to your boyfriend about your concerns. False accusations can just as easily ruin a relationship as infidelity can.”
“Discard evidence like hearsay [i.e., your cousin heard her friend saw him out with another girl], and try your best not to snoop through his email, phone or any other private information,” Coopersmith advises. “You want this process to be as graceful, mature and respectful as possible. Breaking into something password-protected is none of those.”
If you do go the snoop route, Coopersmith warns that you should be prepared for what you may find and for the emotional fallout that may come along with it. Rather than embark on a frantic scavenger hunt by hacking into his Blackberry, combing his car for cigarette butts with lipstick on them, or checking his credit card receipts for unexplainable charges, Coopersmith advises trying a more straightforward and levelheaded approach:
“Think of approaching this as you would any other topic of concern — like you want to work it out. Calm is key so you can not only make clear-headed and clear-hearted decisions, but the more at ease he is, the more likely he will hear your need for the truth and be able to tell it. If he feels like he is being attacked, he will instantly become defensive. The most telling signs are really things that denote a change in his behavior.
“He doesn’t want to have sex anymore, he spends less time with you, all of a sudden he really cares about his appearance, etc.,” Love echoed this sentiment during her “View” chat: “He was caring more about his appearance … which is a big sign. They start to work out more and they’re like, ‘No I just want to get in shape.’ For who? Because you haven’t been in shape our whole relationship.”
What do you think? Would you snoop to confirm your suspicions of a cheatin’ heart? What are your truth-getting tactics?